This is the first post for me in a new
format of reasoning about different aspects of artistic life.
I regularly see positive life-asserting
posts on the Internet about how everything will be fine if you will work hard
and enjoy. But what if you aren’t that active-positive-productive kinda person?
No one writes about how fears and doubts can torment you every day. However,
the silence does make them disappear. In these posts I will write about the
fears and struggles I’ve encountered, as well as how I overcome them (or not,
but I would like to - yes). First, it’s a kind of therapy for me, so that I do
not drown in them again after a while. In addition, maybe my experience will
help someone overcome similar obstacles. Of course, this is a reflection of my
purely subjective point of view, not claiming to be the truth in the last
instance.
In early January, I had a severe attack of
cervical osteochondrosis, which made me take a long break from drawing. For 3
months of forced inactivity, I had time to think about what I was doing and
what I had achieved. Or to be clear - what I haven’t achieved so far. I don’t
have job and commissions (as an artist), there is not enough portfolio for
getting a freelance job, there is no self-satisfaction and I didn’t have fun
with drawing anymore.
It seemed to me that I was not moving
forward and could not move without mentoring and instruction. To some extent,
it was true - I really did not move forward. But not only because I did not
have a mentor who kicked me out of the comfort zone, but also because I clamped
myself in very strict frames of how to make “good” pictures.
I planned every step of my picture to the
smallest details. I was trembling over how to do it right, choose the best
composition and values, pick up the perfect colors and pose for the character.
I looked very much at other people's opinions on this case. I had to do it
right, and I needed it to be confirmed by others. As a result, a lot of nerves,
time and effort were put into the picture, but the result did not satisfy me at
all - it was stiff. At the same time, I felt that I gave my best to that work,
and did not feel satisfaction, which happens when you worked hard and satisfied
regardless of the result. I didn’t know how to get rid of it, because I did
everything “right”, as I was taught.
All this “making things right” has pinned
me in frames, which I built for myself, taking literally and mostly wrong a lot
of things that professionals write in their blogs or on facebook. In pursuit of
how to make this or that study right, of the proper pipeline and the proper
result, I completely forgot about that I like drawing and what I love and I
want to draw. “Useful and necessary” studies and portfolio required art have
replaced all this. I, of course, tried to paint things I love for the portfolio
but it inevitably interfered with the “right” and the “right” one outweighed.
Big guys of CG world most often say that you
have to make a certain set of pictures for your portfolio — reflecting your
skills and the style in which you would like to work. To make it more
client-oriented. Yes, I think it's mostly fair — they won’t offer you an MTG
gig if you have farm accets in your portfolio. After taking this advice,
beginners rush to paint only that art they can be hired for, often forgetting
about what they love to do. What if I like to draw women bodies and draperies? “No,
you can’t draw naked women, what kind of work you'll find from a portfolio
consisting of naked women only. No diverse in portfolio means that an artist sits
in his comfort zone and doesn’t move anywhere”. In my opinion, the comfort zone
and the pleasure zone are not the same. You can stay in the pleasure zone and
at the same time leave the comfort zone.
Lately, I come across a different opinion,
especially in the 1FW podcast, - you should draw what makes you happy.
Increasingly, art directors say that the art you’re really passionate about
looks better and stronger than those in which you’re trying to please potential
client needs to get a job. And my experience confirms this. Until I tried to
adjust everything under “what should I draw to get a job in that company” and
got high from drawing, the pictures came out better. Yes, and take the most
noun guys — Peleng, Robotpencil, Pete Mohrbaсher, Dave Rapoza - their success is due to what
they paint and draw for pleasure. Once forgetting about what inspires me, and
driving myself into the framework, now I came to this conclusion myself.
In the
pursuit of the standards of the industry, we should not forget what makes your inside
artist happy, about why we fell in love with painting. Ignoring this side of
yourself leads to eternal discontent from what you do and even depression.
Regular return to it, however, gives you a huge
amount of inner energy. So, now I
regularly take time to paint for my pleasure, and I will put it to my portfolio
as well.
If the standards of the industry don’t
bother you at all, if this is what you wanted, and you get real pleasure from
it, then I can only be glad for you! Keep it up!